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April 6, 2013
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A desolate plain of dirt,
mundane to eyes and soul.
A pain that doesn’t hurt,
a team without a goal.

This valley does but lie,
with nothing to infer.
But with a guiding eye,
the sun does confer.

She extends her reach down to this void,
giving potential to this land.
As nature’s magic steroid,
shines down from open hand.

Grey clouds take flight,
with thunder and bright light.
As water rains down below.

A tiny seedling pokes out the mist,
new colour spreading throughout the valley.
Stretching up to the sky it will kiss,
come on little seedling, do hurry.

A plant now spreads from the abyss,
growing branch and leaves all the same.
As it attempts to seek solace,
from unforgiving earth whence it came.

So here now stands the mighty oak tree,
casting out the dark of shade.
Standing as tall as can be,
the brown of death begins to fade.

As this desert becomes,
no more.
Picture by ~godylins

Writing prompt entry for 'introduction' by #We-The-Writers
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:iconthecrazymagnet:
I agree with Cyanide-Skies in that your word choice in general is really evocative. However, I'm not sure about your choice of verb tense. Lines like "the sun does confer" feel somewhat unnatural, especially if this is going to be spoken. I'm also not a huge fan of that first stanza; it's too different in both style and substance from the rest of the poem. I understand that it sets the scene, but the team metaphor in particular feels really incongruous. All criticisms aside, the growth of the plant itself works really well, especially since it's introduced fairly late in the poem - it's still fresh as the piece draws to a close.

Hope this is along the lines of what you want in a critique! Let me know if I'm being too harsh or using the wrong amount of detail :)
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:icon13liss:
13liss Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah originally I was thinking 'the sun does concur' but then 'confer' just describes it so well, although I know its a slightly odd sentence. I can see what you mean by the first stanza, I guess the metaphor was somewhat forced, but I do think it rolls off the tongue beautifully.

Definitely, my one qualm with this site would be its hard to find constructive criticisms, so it is definitely appreciated! :)

Ill see if I can think some replacements.
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:iconcyanide-skies:
This is beautiful. The words are chosen carefully and with a certain effect in mind. It can be taken as a metaphor for a lot of different situations.
The fact that this is a spoken word really brings out a lot in the poem. It can be resisted in a number of ways to bring a different effect each time. I read this out loud three times to try and get a feel of the poem, then two more in different ways.
I would say that my favourite part is the line: 'She extends her reach down to this void.' I would like to see the plant withheld as a human being (personification, I believe) Throughout the poem, or replace the line. I guess that's my OCD telling me that this effect is not consistent (it is my favourite effect, I think it pulls off a dramatic effect and connects to the audience more) and therefore annoying me.
However, this is a pet-hate xD Please don't think I'm attacking you.
I believe this is one of your best works yet ^^
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:icon13liss:
13liss Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hmm I hadn't thought about it in terms of a personification, other than the sun, but I like it :)

Thanks for your feedback, glad you liked it! :D
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:iconcyanide-skies:
Oh xD I just love that effect. xD
No problem, I agreed to help you out and then never did ;__; I promise I'll try and help out when I can :D
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:icon13liss:
13liss Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Cheers mate, much appreciated :D
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